Football’s dark arts. You may have read, heard, or watched a bit about that subject this week.
Wind-up merchants, rule benders, injury fakers, divers, pinchers, medical staff who love running on the pitch, time-wasters… every club has them, but how dark arts-y is your team?
We can — and will — use metrics and data to help discover the best/worst offenders, but nefarious behavior cannot always be quantified: teams should also be subjected to the eye test.
Two points.
First, this is a (reasonably) light-hearted exercise so, please, no nasty messages.
Second, this is not a hall of shame. Far from it; teams who best utilize the dark arts tend to be more successful. A bit of devilment can go a long way and, well, nice guys finish last. Or, nice guys don’t tend to win anything.
Talking of which, in reverse order, let’s start our list.
GO DEEPER
Infuriating, embarrassing – and funny: What players really think of ‘shithousing’
Ange Postecoglou. Principled. Strong moral core. Hates cheating. Fair dinkum.
Spurs play the game quickly, in a “We’ve got no time for time-wasting” manner. They were the quickest team in the league last season for getting the game moving again (24.4 seconds per restart).
“I don’t believe in the dark arts,” Postecoglou said at a press conference this week. “I don’t know how to do it; it’s just not in my make up. My thing has always been, if teams are going to go down that way we’ve got to be even more disciplined to make sure we don’t get distracted.”
Richarlison probably wouldn’t agree… maybe that’s why he’s been out of favor? James Maddison is always on the wind-up, but with a Del Boy-esque knowing smile and cheeky wink.
Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg was the king at falling on the ball, talking to the ref, slowing things down, and managing the game. But now? It’s just not what Spurs do, mate.
xSH (expected s***housery) – 1/10
Bournemouth had a fine reputation for the dark arts in the Championship when they were managed by Eddie Howe (everyone pretend to be shocked) but only West Ham and Manchester City had fewer bookings for time-wasting or not retreating last season.
Plus, they’ve loaned out goalkeeper Neto — renowned for winding up opposition fans or taking the sting out of a game with an achingly long goal kick. He’s gone to Arsenal (everyone pretend to be shocked).
xSH – 1/10
Palace was probably too nice anyway — perhaps a legacy from gentleman Roy Hodgson’s era — but since losing serial free-kick-winner Jordan Ayew, or Joachim Andersen (who helped earn Darwin Nunez a red card for headbutting on his home Liverpool debut a couple of years ago) and Wilfried Zaha, for so long a strong contender for the Premier League’s most annoying player award, Palace is even softer now.
Maybe if they toughened up they’d finish higher than 12th.
xSH – 1/10
GO DEEPER
Who is the best exponent of the ‘dark arts’ at your Premier League club?
Jamie Vardy plays on the edge (Richard Heathcote/Getty Images)
Brighton seems more preoccupied with frivolous matters like playing nice football.
They do have Joel Veltman, though he gives the impression that butter wouldn’t melt but, as Declan Rice’s red card at Arsenal the other week shows, he has another side to him.
He can often be spotted positioning his body in front of the ball to be easily nudged over and will happily take a yellow for the team with a pull of the shirt or a foul to stop a counter-attacking threat.
He’s smart, too; in four seasons, he’s earned 24 bookings but has never been suspended.
xSH – 2/10
